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5 Holiday Outings Under $5

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  • in Humorist
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  • by chrisyonan

The holidays are my favorite time of year because they’re all about joy. We gather with our families around the fire to eat, drink, and be merry. We give each other gifts to express our love to those who mean most to us and set goals for the new year on how to better ourselves as human beings. It’s fabulous. But damn baby, it’s expensive. 


I don’t know about you but I don’t have the extra several hundred dollars in my budget that the holidays inevitably require. So, here’s a list of 5 things you can do this holiday season for under $5. #yaaaas


1) Bum a cigarette from someone and smoke in Bowling Green. The holidays are so happy and crowded; sometimes it’s nice to have some solitary reflection. Plus, there’s always Christmas lights around so you can still get some holiday cheer while you cry into your latte. Cost: $3.95 for latte, .50 cents for cigarette if the dickhead makes you pay for it.


2) Ride the N train and follow that quartet of homeless guys who sing Motown Christmas Carols. It’s basically a free concert (you don’t have to give them money). Just bring a Santa Hat to get in the spirit and hand sanitizer so you don’t die of germs. Cost: $2.50 for MTA fare.


3) Go to Macy’s, sit on Santa’s lap, and give him your Christmas list. You’re never too old to provoke a drunk old man. Cost: once the sexual harassment suit against you is thrown out, free.


4) Buy some peppermint schnapps and      fill in the blank     . Cost: $3.98 for a pint of Dekuyper schnapps. #rockbottom


5) Reenact the Nativity Play in Central Park. If you play all the characters yourself, you don’t have to split the guitar case full of change with anyone. Plus, you can finally invite that agent you met at One On One to come see your work. Cost: you stand to make money on this one (if you’re talented).



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