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The Top Ten Reasons I’m Breaking Up With Facebook

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  • in Humorist
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  • by chrisyonan

Relationships are things that evolve. They flow and ebb, they have their ups and downs. No relationship is ever great all the time, and all worthwhile relationships take work to maintain. The question is: when does the relationship turn sour, move beyond help, and become something you should go Angela-Bassett-in-Waiting-to-Exhale on? This is where I am in my relationship with Facebook and here are the top ten reasons why.


1) Hashtags. It’s like when my boss tries to touch her MacBook screen like it’s an iPad – wrong medium. #mybossisaretard #twitterscaresme


2) Baby and pet photos. People are posting baby pictures so early there’s afterbirth in the photo. I print them out and make them into voodoo dolls for my cat to play with.


3) People who are either extremely happy or sad all the time. They either spout about how amazing life is (Soooo lucky to have such amazing friends, job, lover, cat and sneakers!!!!!!) or how oppressed they are (My dye job is totally the wrong shade of chestnut. Worst day ever :/ ). Either way, I’m hiding you from my newsfeed.


4) Pictures of you shirtless after weight loss. Whether you’ve been Snatched, Crossfit, or gone Insane, put your shirtless pics on ManHunt, not Facebook. And we won’t even mention that you still may not look great shirtless…


5) Coyness. (e.g., “OMG I’m so excited because I just booked the gig of a lifetime but I can’t tell you anything about it due to confidentiality but in three weeks I can and I am going to explode before then because I’m so excited!!!!!!”)


6) Targeted ads. I clicked on the photo of a “Scruff” guy and now I get ads for “Gay Group Therapy.” #erectionkill #seenumberone


7) Articles that point out why something sucks: politics, distribution of wealth, religion, etc. These are the articles that people post to try and show how enlightened they are about the state of the world. They’re smarter than you.


8) People who post to their roommates or significant others. Text them. Email them. Roll over in bed and speak to them. We don’t need to know they complete you.


9) Old English photos with witty captions. They made me laugh in the past but so did Adam Sandler. It’s time to let them die gracefully.


10) People bitching about Facebook’s privacy agreements. You put it on Facebook because you wanted attention you dumb slut. What’s private about that?


10 thoughts on “The Top Ten Reasons I’m Breaking Up With Facebook

  1. Anne introduced me to your blog and I am so happy that she did.

    I am sitting alone in a Starbucks hysterically laughing!

  2. Chris:
    Your humor is unparalleled.
    Few things/people make me laugh like you do.
    You have a gift. Thank you for expressing these thoughts we all feel with such wit and sass.

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