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The Top 10 Pointers for Dating a Republican

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  • in Humorist
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  • by chrisyonan

I have a confession to make: I think Paul Ryan is cute. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to vote for him…but…if he had asked me out during college, I probably would’ve said yes (I made a lot of questionable choices during college). It got me thinking about relationships and the differences you may have with your partner. It’s a universal truth that most couples disagree about what temperature to set the thermostat at, but what about a more fundamental issue like politics?


One of my close friends started dating a Republican last year (both men). We were all a bit shocked that our most leftist and liberal friend would date someone who didn’t know who Susan Sarandon was. But you know what? They’re a fantastic couple and everyone adores the Republican.


I wanted to write out a few guidelines to help people get a head start when dating a Republican. Hopefully, these pointers will steer your relationship in the right direction from the onset so that we can all move towards a better, more politically tolerant world. We can tackle the thermostat when the dust settles.


The Top 10 Pointers for Dating a Republican

1) Buy Magnum condoms. Although Catholics are against contraception, Republicans insist on the right to bear arms.


2) Bring extra cash for dinner. Even though the Republican makes more than you, they’d rather see you go hungry than pay for your portion of the bill. WWJD?


3) If you met the Republican online, be sure to hire a fact-checker to confirm all the details in their profile.


4) If the Republican gets sexually aggressive, concentrate on your chastity and virtue. It will cause your hoo-ha to bite off his wee-wee (much like a Venus Fly Trap). This information was drawn from a study by the same doctors who were consulted for this interview.


5) Don’t bring roses on the first date. Like President Snow in “The Hunger Games”, Republicans like to turn symbols of love into symbols of hate and oppression (eg, Jesus).


6) Don’t mention your concern for other people’s welfare. You may be referring to the refugees in Syria but the Republican may start accusing the minorities in the restaurant of “playing the victim” and calling your waitress Precious.


7) If you’re straight and suspect that the Republican is actually gay, nonchalantly ask them if they prefer Chick-Fil-A or KFC. (You can’t question their sexuality directly – Republicans don’t acknowledge the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”).


8) On second thought, don’t worry about #1. Most Republicans are so old they’re postmenopausal or shooting blanks. Or they get nervous with a younger partner and can’t perform. #McCainPalin


9) If you’re looking for a way to break up with the Republican, talk about your threeway sex dream with Clinton and Obama. Whether it was with Hillary/Michelle, Bill/Barack, or any combination thereof, is up to you. Mix and match to elicit different responses!


10) You may be discouraged that all the Republicans you’ve been out with look, think, act, and talk like Ebenezer Scrooge, but there are plenty of young and hip Republicans. Like these guys. Don’t give up!


Welcome to dating a Republican. Remember, you asked for it.


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