I just turned 30 (shit) and it seems my 20s didn’t quite turn out as I planned (my Tony stand looks like the Parthenon). So as I move to my next decade, I thought it would be a great idea to leave the younger generation with a few pearls of wisdom. Some of these things I did, some I didn’t do, some I wouldn’t do again. But I think they all merit a mention. Happy living.
Top Ten Tips for Your Twenties:
20) College really is the most fun you’ll ever have in your life. Just don’t do what I did and black out for most of it or you won’t remember.
21) If you’re not blacking out in college, you probably aren’t having enough fun.
22) When the 28-32 year old gays at the bar tell you, “you’re so young”, don’t take it as an insult or condescension. It’s not. Just say, “Fuck yeah, bitch. You want a piece?”. You’ll probably get laid.
23) You’ll be using Craig’s List a lot when you first move to NYC – for job listings, apartment sublets, buying used furniture – just make sure that’s ALL you’re using it for. You don’t want to have to buy medicated creams.
24) Walks of shame get less and less cute, especially once you have a job and can’t wear your skank clothes to work the next day. #somanyworkpantsfromh&m
25) Quarter-life crisis freak out commences. This usually starts with your parents asking when you’re going to get a real job and you asking them for money. It ends anywhere from 1-5 years later (depending on your emotional health) with applying to grad school or taking a “year off”.
26) This is the age you get fed up with all the first dates and start getting serious about finding “a relationship”. For this venture to be successful you’ll have to stop cruising ManHunt, Grindr, Connexion, and Craig’s List (because lets be honest, you didn’t follow my advice from #23) and join Match and OKCupid. And if possible, try not to view profiles completely drunk (tipsy is fine).
27) You will lose your ability to bounce back from a hangover with a Diet Coke and a Tylenol. You can still drink the same amount, just have the Diet Coke and Tylenol BEFORE bed.
28) Start listening to music from your childhood so you can condescendingly say to your younger friends, “You don’t remember that song? You’re sooooo young”. It’ll make you feel cool and retro instead of self-loathing.
29) Spend the year fighting the effects of rigor mortis and trying to convince yourself your 30s will be the best years of your life.